My Support Forums - View Single Post - Hello, this is my first (introduction) post

TalbotS · 07:47 PM

Hello to all who read this, at whatever time in the future!

I want to start by disclosing my psychiatric diagnoses. Best way to get honest help is to be honest and forthcoming. PTSD. Major depressive disorder -- recurrent and severe, with no psychotic symptoms. ADHD.

The PTSD is from various severe and / or chronic traumas I've experienced throughout my life.

Possible trigger:

I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused in an astonishing (and often "inventive") variety of ways by my parents, the guilt leaning very heavily on my mother's side. But there were bad people on both sides, let's say. This was throughout my childhood. My mother tried to kill me twice, and almost killed my sister as a baby right in front of me by throwing her at a wall, then told me I made her do it because I got an 86% on a test. It always had to be 100%, more if there were bonus questions. Anything less than perfect would lead to certain, frightful abuse of one or more kinds, each time. It was lots of kinds of abuse, and some forms began as early as is possible, being a literally every day thing for years.

In adulthood, a combination of some both unlikely and unlucky strikes also led to some further trauma. Then there was all the trauma I brought on myself, because that's the psyche that all that other previous trauma shaped into my self.

Lot of substance abuse. The vast majority of it alcohol. But there was a really dark 2-3 year addiction to K2 (synthetic "marijuana") in there 4 years back now. I tried to quit drinking several times. Longest time was 14 months sober straight. Because I didn't do it for myself. I find it very hard to care about myself. I did it for a girl. And it didn't even work, which is why the 14 months didn't become 15. I'm freshly entirely off alcohol since October 4th, just earlier this month. I'm a lot psychologically healthier now, and I really do think it will stick.

In the past few years, I've gotten much healthier. I attended a mental health day program for I think 5 years. I think that was as much as 4 years ago now, since I "graduated." It involved socializing with other people with mental illness(es), and having social worker moderated group therapy sessions, typically structured and themed to a specific mental health problem or need. Like a Trauma Survivors group, for instance. I also saw a personal psychiatrist, as well as a therapist during this time. I didn't like where my life had gone, so I really dived deep into mental health improvement. I didn't have much choice either. My sister and I were both homeless, and living on the street, at the time -- a 4 year time period in total, ending about 5 years ago for both of us. The day program had social workers, and part of my motivation was help with benefits and housing.

During this time my sister was going through a private hell of her own. I'm pretty empathic, especially with her, and I can't shut it off. So I felt all her depression and pain and self-hatred and it added to those quantities in me. When she began taking a medicine after being finally being diagnosed with something with a treatment, she became much much better emotionally too. And that was a big part of my recovery too, helping to get her the help she needed, and not having to see the person I love most in the world suffer all the time.

I'm still often cripplingly depressed. But something changed (improved) in me years ago. I always used to feel at least borderline panic, dread, nervousness. I was most nervous other people would notice. And yet was frustrated when people consistently described me as so very calm. That anxiety was so impossible to live with that I did everything I could to medicate it away. Again, mostly alcohol. A lot of alcohol, drank throughout the day. Not often to get drunk, or to the point of drunkenness. Just to stay level. Although every once and while I also got totally drunk. For years I was a high-functioning, well paid and employed tech guy, alcoholic. Then I had a breakdown, and I soon was just a drunk. That horrible constant nervous dread feeling eventually went away. When it did, that compulsion to drink it down did for the most part too.

I'm a lot more at peace now than I once was. And yet I also feel so very far from reaching any form of peace either.

I'm here hoping I found a place I can share and get honest, helpful feedback. I've also been through lots of different kinds of bad, which I think might put me in a special position when it comes to helping others. Which I hope I do.

Sorry if this a longer introduction than usual. Just trying to jump right in, rather than just dip my toes in to start.