It did have to do with the sale of the site for me. I saved my thousands of posts, and it wasn’t easy. The thought that the site may simply disappear, made me feel bad that I have put so much of myself into those posts, and they would be gone. I wanted to save my writing.

I’m sure I’ve also been addicted to this site. Knowing it’s ending had me step away first. Abandonment issues? I want to avoid that awful feeling of being ghosted by my virtual, anonymous support group.

At this point, I think I’ll post some more through to the end, if there is an end...I’m not sure what will happen when the site transfers.

IRL I’ve had people closest to me turn out to not care for me, and devastate me. I feel I must not be lovable, and that’s why. It was the theme of my rants here for the several years I was on. It only got worse over that time.

I feel caring for all here, and that I’ve been my best at being supportive and kind (though telling it like it is). But IDK if more than a few people here thought much of me. Heck, maybe I was outright disliked. If my own ‘loved ones’ thought so little of me, what do I expect from peers?

So that’s why I’ve been scarce lately.

Plus, I’ve been really busy lately helping my son apply to colleges.

Also, my anxiety attacks are severe. I go from hysteria and back to baseline, rinse, repeat. It’s been so long now, I’ll probably never get better. The docs and meds don’t help. The hysteria is due to the theme of my anxiety; the abandonment and betrayal from too many of those I love. It’s a love/hate dynamic on my part. I didn’t cause it; they did. I’m just very sensitive and unable to brush off those devastations.

I am grateful we are not sick yet and have food and shelter in this pandemic. I am grateful I somewhat repaired some of those devastated relationships of mine IRL. The severe pain of those deep wounds have healed a lot. Thank God.

My prayers go out to all on here to heal, survive, and thrive.