Quote:
Originally Posted by KBMK
You're right that it is no excuse, and there is no excuse. It's true that you're a victim of his behaviour, and in my opinion...sorry this is harsh to say, but you are making yourself a victim as long as you stay, and when you leave the abusive relationship, then you are a survivor of abuse. I would like to think that your husband would be able to see the harm he has done, and somehow repair the damage, but I do believe that as long as you stay with him, there will be an abusive dynamic that you will be made to feel responsible for. You might be acting irrationally sometimes, and have issues that make you anxious and vulnerable, but from what you have said, you are taking responsibility for your behaviour, where as your husband is blaming you for his stress. Did he blame you for his aggression too?
It is clearly overwhelming, but there are people that understand the dynamics of abuse that will want to help you get safely out of this situation. I didn't have any help getting out, initially. I was supported by a friend who I told about the abuse only months after I left, then I found out she had suffered the same. I moved into my family home at first, and suffered abuse there. That was when I started being more open, asking for help, and got help to get a place of my own, a job to pay the bills etc.
It could be a long, hard process, but I really think that you deserve some peace of mind that you won't get with the threat of abuse in your life.
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KBMK, I understand where you're coming from, though you may have missed posts (important ones) about developments in my marriage around the abuse in other threads of mine.
I was going to divorce him back in July because of it. I told him so, ie, I am divorcing you, and he asked me why. We then had a four-hour long conversation about his abuse towards me. He listened, he absorbed it, he apologized and took FULL ownership of all of it, for the first time ever. Previously, when I had confronted him about his abuse, he would become defensive and would accuse ME of being the abuser. Well, during this 4 hour long conversation, that was not the case. He owned up. And since then, he has made great strides in changing all the behaviors I pointed out to him in July that were abusive to me.
I do worry that the abuse may resurface, as I am well aware that he could simply be on his best behavior right now and that abuse is typically cyclical.
I want to go to a couples counselor before deciding to part ways. I want to give this relationship every chance. It's a marriage after all, and I took my vows seriously. It's a big deal in my life to have to divorce him, meaning it will be a huge upheaval.
When we had that conversation back in July, he swore up and down the river how much he loves me and how much he doesn't want to lose me.
I get that he loves me.... and I still love him. BUT, that being said, I know where my lines are drawn, and IF the abuse resurfaces, I will have NO choice but to leave him.
But I want to give therapy a chance first.
I do not view myself as a current victim. And I do not see myself as perpetuating the abuse. I WILL leave him if it returns. And I know this. But right now, while I am unemployed, I have no way to leave him.