I talked with both t and med provider.

Here's what I came away with.

I've been frozen by fear, anger, regret, and shame.
Going cold turkey on meds my med provider thinks will bring more harm then good.
And there is so much to talk about that there isn't enough time to do so.

My thoughts
It's been 15 years of being frozen in fear. And I'm done being frozen.
I want change!
Meds are making things more complicated then any of them are worth.
I hear what my med provider said but, I know me. She is concerned that it will lead to more harm, but every time I've wanted to cause harm to me, I seek help. Yet that seems like nothing. I know how to keep myself safe. And I don't want others to doubt my abilities.
Those at school are doubting and moving forward with caution. I'm pushing past the doubt and move forward to something even better, a me that I love, and want to be around.

I've hated my life, every stinking day. I'm done hating. I don't want to fight, but I will do what's best for me. I am going to make big changes. I am going to move forward, and not let my past dictate my future. My future is Mine! No one else's!

It feels so good to say all that. I want to learn from anxiety rather than fight, or freeze.

I'm going to sleep just fine without any help. I'll meditate and record my thoughts. I will get through this!!! Even if I have to advocate for every step I take.

I'm done being bullied, and pushed around. And I'm done being the bully to myself.

A challenge was issued by someone I know, to write a letter or a sentence every day saying why I love myself. I need to do this, I need to find compassion and care for myself. And I need it now and forever.

My future is bright, and will be so much better the rest of my adult life.