Quote:
Originally Posted by MsLady
Abusers typically don't want to end a relationship. Their victims are like a life line to them, they're unable to. If they do end it, it's usually for financial gains. I'm not suggesting this is or is not your husband. Just putting it out there so please take care of you.
I'm unclear about the level of abuse you've endured from him. I think you mentioned yelling, gaslighting, and personal theft.. and even that is heavy. The dishonesty is a big one, too. So I'm not sure what's motivating him, yet, but so far, there's a lot of red flags. You deserve to FEEL loved.. not just hear it and see it, conditionally.
Keeping the peace is a great idea. No amount of over-analyzing is going to give you that clarity. Uncertainty is part of the abuse and sadly, you'll likely forever feel uncertain about things. It definitely gives him power over you.
Big hugs to you, Hope
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Thanks, although I think you're jumping to some incorrect conclusions and have some of the facts wrong.
There was no personal theft. He used my credit card for a second time without asking me for permission. He had permission to use it once for a $300 charge; then the same night, he charged another $300 without asking if it was OK, however, with the knowledge that he was paying me back in full (the full $600) within a matter of a week or two. He knows it was wrong to do, and admits it. But this was not stealing.
I also never mentioned gaslighting.
He has yelled and raged at me in the past; he has blamed me for all our fights when he was the one starting each fight by yelling; he has insulted me during these fights; he has gone into complete denial whenever I confronted him on having an anger/rage problem and/or on being abusive towards me; he has been controlling towards me, and sometimes belittling with mean so called "jokes".
All of that has stopped though and has not repeated itself since July. He is making a sincere effort to change. Everything I mentioned to him about his abusive behavior, he has now modified. And I was very detailed in my description to him of each behavior that was problematic and abusive.
He also has nothing financially to gain from me. I have no retirement funds. The amount I have is $10K and that is all. Very very little. We've been married less than two years - what can he possibly get from me? He almost makes as much in salary as I was recently making. There's nothing for him to really gain here. So again, I think you're jumping to conclusions, though. you did say this may or may not be my husband.
I'm honestly surprised by your responses since you have held onto great hope for change within your own partner. I would think you would be more positive and encouraging regarding my marriage and what I face with my husband wanting to make more positive changes.
I feel like you're painting a most dismal picture based on what most abusers are like. Perhaps my situation is a bit unique - perhaps. I am still holding onto some amount of hope.
Like I said, there's a lot that is lovable about him. I know you don't personally like him based on what I've described. But he can be the most endearing and lovable person. A girlfriend of mine who met him for the 1st time just recently told me she simply adores him. He has many positive traits. I only write about the bad on here in order to get some support around it, but there's much that is also positive.