Hi starryprince... nice to see you back. I can't say I've ever felt angry at myself for feeling angry with my abusers. In my case, the abusers in my life were a very long time ago. But I still hate them. And I don't feel one ounce of anger at myself for hating them.

What I did want to say here, though, was something with regard to your grandma as well as with regard to your feelings of anger. I don't know how old your grandma is of course. I'm 72. (Yikes!) You mentioned your grandma still has some toxic traits but in other ways she's changed & that she has also done some good things for you. We older people do have a tendency to become set in our ways. So if your grandma has been able to find it within herself to make even some changes... this, it seems to me, is something to be celebrated.

The other thing I wanted to mention, though, is that it's easy to forget (I have a tendency to do it myself) that all of this mental health awareness & mental health service that is available nowadays is a pretty recent development. Those of us who are older (at least this is the way it was for me) grew up in a society where mental illness was something to be feared, embarrassed about, & hidden in whatever way possible. If you were struggling with what would nowadays be considered a mental illness you just kept it to yourself & did the best you could to carry on. If you went off the rails entirely, you got sent to a state mental hospital. Otherwise you were on your own. Plus, social norms were dramatically different. For example growing up I had an uncle who, in front of everyone at extended family gatherings, was fond of saying that his wife was dead from the arse both ways! And none of the adults really thought anything about that, way back then, except that it was funny. Who would say such a thing nowadays? (Well... perhaps there may still be people who would. But hopefully not many.) But that's how it was years ago.

So the point to all of this, I think, is that in dealing with your grandma, hopefully you can have compassion for her given the type of upbringing she likely had & the type of society she likely lived most of her life in. I think it's perfectly legitimate to feel anger at the toxic things your grandma has done. You didn't deserve to be treated that way. And I don't think you need to feel any anger at yourself for your angry feelings. Hopefully what you can do is simply accept your angry feelings for what they are with compassion & lovingkindness toward both your feelings as well as yourself. Simply allow those angry feelings to be there (because they already are), breathe into them, perhaps even smile to them, & then allow them to fade as they will. (This is a Buddhist practice that is referred to as "compassionate abiding".) If it feels right, you can even place a hand over your heart as a sign of your acceptance of your feelings of anger. I believe it is possible (at the same time) to maintain an awareness of how your grandma probably ended up being the person she is, to celebrate the good things she did do for you along with the changes she has been able to make while both acknowledging & accepting the feelings of anger you have as being legitimate responses to the toxic things your grandma did. I hope that makes sense. My best wishes to you both.