Good news about the job interview. I hope it works out for you.

I've been reading through this thread and parts of it feel familiar to me.

You and your husband definitely have some major issues to work through. Problems rising to the level of abuse and police involvement are far beyond what is usual in a secure relationship.

I do hope you and your husband can find a therapist who can help you work through your individual issues that are creating marital issues. Marriage shouldn't look like what you describe. That doesn't sound like it feels safe or secure.

I say all this as someone who has been married 33 years, and it has certainly not been smooth sailing all the way through. I'd say my husband and I were on the brink of divorce about 10 years ago, but our marriage now is much more secure and safe and a place of contentment now than it has ever been. So, it IS possible to get beyond this, BUT it will take both you and your husband being open to working on your issues individually that creep in and contaminate your marriage jointly. Both parties generally have work to do; you got where you are together and you can only get beyond it together.

My husband came from a background of abandonment and for him, trusting me to not abandon him was his part of the marital problems. He was regularly suspicious about the most minor things; he made accusations (all unfounded); he expected me to fill holes in his soul that were really beyond my power to fill.

But I tried to keep him happy, to keep him from being suspicious, to fill that void; and the more I tried, it seemed the more he lashed out. In our case there was no physical abuse, but there definitely was an aspect of emotional abuse or blackmail ("you need to do this to prove that or I'm leaving" kind of stuff).

I had my own issues of past abuse. In my case, my protection was to keep a physical distance, to close off my emotions - that was my "control" over flashbacks and anxiety and depression. And that kind of personal protection, which wasn't healthy for me, fed his anxieties and suspicions. It was a vicious cycle - a crazy dance we were stuck in.

The mix was difficult in our marriage. We have always loved each other deeply and were dedicated to the sanctity and lasting survival of our relationship and our family. It took both of us individually working with a therapist on our own issues to learn how to not project them onto each other. It took each of us taking responsibility for our own part in that complicated dysfunctional dance we had created in order for us to stop that craziness and get real with each other.

We learned appropriate communication, respect for personal boundaries (his and mine), proactive planning and problem solving rather than reactive emotional purging. And we came out of it in much stronger shape than we ever were before.

But it does take a commitment from both parties and a willingness to accept personal responsibility for your own stuff - both of you.

I will say some of the things that you write about as problems seem odd. My husband and I have always had shared accounts. We've never had his money and my money, his bills and my bills, his retirement and my retirement -- it's all ours . . . because we are in this for the long haul - together. I know that may be sort of old fashioned but we honestly never even thought about keeping that kind of thing separate. And even if we did keep those separate, I cannot imagine keeping that information separate/secret from each other. Transparency with each other is just another aspect of trust and of "family" I guess for us.

I hope you and your husband can commit to walking through the process of reclaiming your marriage as a healthy relationship again. But if either of you is not fully committed to owning and making whatever changes, growth, etc. is needed, then it might not work. Truly, best wishes for both of you in whatever fashion you decide to proceed. Marital disharmony is so incredibly stressful and painful. I hope you can come out healthier in whatever way to decide to work this.