Dear iris2000,

I am so sorry you are suffering. I wish I knew what to say that would help ease the pain you are weighed down with. Sadly I am not very knowledgeable, experienced or wise but I have met many people here who seem blessed with those gifts and genuine insight, so I hope they see your post and respond to it.

Stress and distress can sometimes result in injury to the brain according to some research so perhaps a visit to a physician would be helpful to you. A licensed physician can diagnose PTSD and other illnesses, treat them or rule them out as causal or contributing factors. A good psychotherapist can also be helpful in many cases. Sometimes a good physician can help one to find a good psychotherapist.

Although my experience probably wouldn't be helpful to you in the least, I was raised to believe that God desires the salvation of every human being and that nothing is impossible for God. I was taught that this was the core teaching of Christianity to which everything else was based.

I realize that in your country there are hundreds of different Christian churches with different doctrines. I currently live in an American city where there are many, many Christian churches. I grew up far away in a place where Roman Catholicism was the dominant Christian religion but I wouldn't want to trespass on your beliefs or those of anyone else. I am no sage or authority on anything.

I fear that my comments will not be very helpful to you and fear they might even make you feel worse, which is the last thing I would want to happen. I like the medical axiom that states: First, do no harm. I hope I have not done any harm with my poor and fallible words and ideas. My hope is that others here can help you, really help you. You deserve relief from your suffering. If PTSD is behind it, I hope you will find treatments that will lead to the very best possible outcome. I do not see you as a bad person at all but as a very heroic one. I wish you only the very best here on the Forums and in your life journey. It is a great honor and pleasure to meet you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen PS: Your English is a lot better than mine!