They started when I was nine. My favorite aunt (we even had the same name) passed away giving birth to twins. Before her My great grandmother of old age. After her it seemed as though there was a death each year. My cousin went to the hospital, slipped into a coma, on the third day he passed away. His sister (my godmother) passed away in her sleep. Two of my cousins were murdered, both stabbed, one female, one male, different cities. Another cousin, first her daughter passed away of pneumonia, then she passed away in her sleep as well (she was my godmother'a sister). My grandfather and then my uncle passed. Both due to alcoholism. Another cousin passed away from an over dose. A year later his sister was in a fetal boating accident. Then my grandmother. My ex brother-in-law. My brother. Six months after my brother, my cousin who had lived with us since he was twelve. The father of my children (I'm not sure) and his mother just passed in Dec. of 2018.

Not included is the struggle I've been going through mentally and emotionally. I may have a huge family, but each of their deaths have taken a huge toll on my well-being and !y relationship with others. I am very friendly, but the closet I get to a person, the more sabotaging I am to the relationship. I've pushed my own children away, and it seems as though my siblings and I have done it to each other (we've all grown very distant). Especially after our brothers death. I had and still don't have support regarding the father of my children. He was reported and went missing. I've been told that he's dead, but I've had no proof, and that is what messes with my mind the most. I believe his mother passed away from the grief and anxiety of not knowing what happened to her son. Now my son and daughter has still not come to terms of his disappearance.

I just felt I needed to share my losses and I don't think I've actually grieved - or don't know how.