I don't mind sharing..

I've always felt "different" .. an "outsider looking in" .. the odd "elephant in the room" .. an "audience member" and "laughing track" (my assumed role growing up).. without an understanding as to "why" .. until I reached my 40 years of life.

I've always struggled with forming meaningful relationships and have an anxious/avoidant attachment style. This means I want/need a connection with others but my chronic fears pushes people away from me.

I gravitate towards narcissistic-like personality types, which apparently is quite common when being raised by an NPD parent.

I'm very independent which makes it hard for me to work as a "teammate" since I've spent the bulk of my life fending for myself. Some of this is due to my "latch-key" generation, so this "independence" and distrust in others are quite common in our generation. However, it's caused friction in my professional life.

All 3 of my relationships have been with codependents, which drew me in due to their high level of attention towards me. It was quite foreign to me at the time, and unfortunately, I saw it as a sign of "love". All 3 relationships were unhealthy.. two of which were abusive in different ways.. and all materialized before I became aware about my mother's presumed NPD.. my "ah-ha" moment.

I suffer from social anxiety and bouts of situational depression. I often feel lonely because I'm unable to connect with others on a deeper level. There's a constant fear/shame/guilt that plagues my day-to-day life.

I strive to please others.. to be helpful, supportive, and understanding, by over-extending myself. I've often taken the role of a therapist, life coach, and financial advisor. I'm a caregiver at heart.. and I think it's because I felt very much neglected, unloved, and disliked for so long.

I have a tendency of suppressing my feelings because at a young age, I was taught to keep my mouth shut, as to not "worry" others.. or create a perceived "conflict".. so there's a lot of deep seated anger and resentment within me.

When I started standing up for myself (towards my 40s), an uproar ensued within my dysfunctional family. My reputation was smeared within the extended family, and so I had no choice but to walk away from them all. If you were to talk with them, they'd describe me as cold-hearted, insensitive, and mean. My role in their lives was to service them in some way, which I did, up until that point, and without any credit or acknowledgment.

I am now struggling through my third relationship with a man who also exhibits traits of personality disorders. The covert abuse is similar to how my mother/siblings behaved. I'm alone in this world with 2 very young children and a bad reputation.. but I'm staying strong.

So yes, a mother's role hugely impacts their child's sense of well-being and security. I adopted the Attachment-Parenting model with my younger two children, to help me parent them in a healthier way.. to break a cycle. Unfortunately, I failed as a parent with my eldest, as I was unable to see and understand the bigger picture. Luckily, I'm aware now and have been able to rebuild my relationship with him, but since he is on the ASD spectrum, I've struggled with him in other areas.

At the end of the day, I've never felt loved beyond my children and I'm conscientious as to not develop unhealthy attachments with my kids.. which can be challenging.

I take each day as it comes.