Dear puurp,

I am so very, very sorry you are in this situation. It is really heartbreaking!

Every human being has things about themselves that need improvement and things that deserve to be appreciated, praised and treasured. Everyone is like this. In an ideal family there would be balance between appreciation and criticism. But sadly, none of us live in ideal families although some seem to be worse off or better off than others.

Many people get "stuck" in an attitude of "could be better, but isn't better." Some look at themselves this way. Some look at others this way. Some look at almost everything this way. And it is a fact that you and I and everyone could be better but isn't better. But it is also a fact that there are other facts.

For example, you and I and anyone "could be worse, but isn't worse." But people get "stuck" in the first point of view, the "could be better, but isn't better" point of view and they are unable to move between the two ways of looking at things. When this happens, things become very unbalanced. The "could be better, but isn't better" way of looking at things quite naturally produces very definite feelings and moods: anger, sadness, frustration, aggravation, disappointment, guilt, blame, hard feelings, and sometimes even hopelessness.

The "could be worse, but isn't worse" point of view tends to produce very different feelings and moods: appreciation, gratitude, love, peace of mind, feeling lucky or blessed, happiness and joy of living.

That people get "stuck" in the "could be better, but isn't better" perspective and lose balance is not always their fault. And people can get stuck and forget how to appreciate and value and treasure themselves and others. People can lose touch and cross the line of what is acceptable behavior.

Getting "stuck" in the "could be better but isn't better" outlook can cause people to lose perspective. For example, there have been a couple of men in the last 100 years who caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through genocide and campaigns of forced starvation. Now that is something really bad. I know that any mistakes you have made in your life are far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from badness like that. But sometimes people treat themselves as though they were this bad when they are far from it. And sometimes we treat the behavior of others as though it was this bad.

You are someone who has done literally countless little and big acts of bravery and courage in your life so far, countless little and big acts of intelligence, countless little and big acts of kindness and goodness.

We all fall down sometimes for whatever reason. None of us are all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-perfect Infinite Beings. Sometimes we fall down in various ways. But please consider this if you will. Life is like walking. In a lifetime most people will take thousands and thousands of steps when walking. The vast majority of these steps; 99.99% of these steps will not result in a fall. But a fall can be very dramatic. A person can get hurt in a fall. And so the memory of a fall can be very vivid. And sometimes people remember their falls but forget the thousands of times they have not fallen. That is also related to the "could be better but isn't better" way of looking at things. So people can forget to appreciate themselves and others, forget to treasure themselves and others.

Ideally we would have a balance between the "could be better, but isn't better" attitude and the "could be worse, but isn't worse" attitude. Ideally we would be able to strive for self-improvement AND appreciate the tens of thousands of things that are good about us. And ideally parents would do this too. But families are seldom ideal and family life can get messy.

I wish I knew what to say to ease the pain of what you are going through because it is heartbreaking. My family was far from ideal and my parents were very much like yours, so my heart goes out to you. I hope things get better for you. I grew up thinking my family was really horrible and horrible things did happen to me when I was growing up. Now I see that part of the problem was that my parents were very unhappy themselves and often took out their unhappiness on me.

Since I am not a doctor or medical professional of any kind, I cannot give you any advice that you or anyone could or should rely upon. Even the things I have written to you today could very well be wrong. I have been wrong about things many times in my life. I hope other people with more knowledge, experience, compassion, understanding, insight and wisdom will see your post and respond to it with things that prove really helpful to you. It is heartbreaking that you are suffering. It breaks my heart. I have met many wise people here on the Forums and I hope they will respond to your post. It takes a great deal of heroism and nobility to grow up in a difficult family situation and so I can only look up to you in admiration. Sorry that I don't have any "answers" for the things causing your stress and distress.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen