Feeling horribly sad and tired

My mental health will deteriorate if my doctor teases me with the stimulant again. It's the only thing that helps me focus and withstand the sedation from the high dose antipsychotics.

I tell you guys I plan all of these things to do - And the worldddd.. the ****ing worldd.. I just want to improve myself - I don't drink alcohol, smoke weed or cigarettes. I'm good.

Waiting and waiting and every passing day is hell. I sleep too much as well. My mom has a bad cold. I worry about everything and everyone a lot.

I want to give up. I really do. I wish I had a reason to give up and it would make life so much easier. Why did all of these bad things happen to me in severe isolation? Music is the only thing that helps and ever had. Not drugs. I had no one supporting me. It felt like I was in a dark black hole.

I'm trying to live in the present moment, do meditation. The things I want to do in one day takes weeks or a month to do.

At least I'm not having panic attacks. I want to feel emotions. I want to live life - Avoidance got me no where. I sit here like I always have and life goes on without me.