I can’t think of any reason I am this way other than that I was often extremely lonely as a kid. I grew up in a pretty rural area and did not get to spend much time with friends when I was young plus my parents (as I recall it, especially my mother were pretty intolerant of me having friends over much or of me going to a friend’s home. I do think that I had some insecurities that could lead to me being a bit of a bully when I was young, I would be pushed around at school and then when I encountered someone who I thought I was more confident than I would assume the role of the bully. I think I don’t I don’t strive as much in life because I feel like I don’t deserve it I have made mistakes and often continue to do so, so I don’t deserve happiness or achievements. I’m so absorbed with myself too, after self- hatred is still a form of self-absorption.