I agree with what many are saying... but ultimately, you know your situation better than anyone. It's not that easy to just divorce someone that's been part of your world for that long. This unfortunately is my 2nd marriage, and it is falling apart much as you describe - but instead of a facebook friend, it's a woman he teaches with/now family 'friend' and instead of 'our' teenagers, it's his 16 year old son that I have been around since he was 3, helped raise since he 5 and lived with and actively raised since he was 8. I also believe it's some weird midlife crisis that includes an unhappy/dissatisfied streak coupled with a weird sense of being 'out of his league' (his words not mine) suddenly, disliking (intensely) his career, getting passed over for next steps in his career plan and living in a neighborhood where people can afford to do things that we can't. I am SHOCKED that he would do this particularly because his first wife splendidly cheated on him and resulted in an ugly divorce and a strained relationship to this day. My heart sank to read Open Eyes 2nd paragraph, I am very concerned about my SS (who doesn't know yet). In addition, her last sentence in that same paragraph is SPOT ON.

When you say you wish you were more independent as you were before you met him, I'd like to add perspective on that. Everyone has reasons they do what they do... stay home, keep working, move for a job, take a demotion to stay, etc. And they are good, solid reasons that make sense in where we are in our life. I couldn't have children, we tried when I was 40, the whole process... 4 years worth. I have a good career and have invested a lot in education and time to grow it and make more than 2ce what my husband makes. It's not as much as I could make (or could do) if I didn't live where I live and hadn't decided that I needed to commit to this man and child and be a part of their lives. I probably would have switched jobs/areas about 5-8 years ago. And I don't regret that. I was on one path, I met him and my path changed. Technically I am financially independent. We live in a two income house. I could afford it, but have no desire to keep up with maintenance of 5 acres, etc. He can't afford it. It's his child, not mine, so he can't/won't leave. I could leave - but I need my income to go with me if I am going to leave, rent a place etc. This is his choice and we have only been married for 4 years and I now have cell phone bills showing his growing relationship with this woman back to March 2019. Wow. I am not going to leave him in a house he can't afford where my name is on the mortgage and the deed. I am also not going to leave my SS dangling. I mean I understand $$ - my husband is going to pay the mortgage and have $800 left for the month - our 16 year old is an athlete and I spend more on that a month on groceries. (even shopping at Aldi - I have never seen another human being eat so much food in my life) So it's a delicate balance of trying to figure all of this out. And I am definitely not the winner. HE is the winner because I am putting his son first. I have a plan, there are other reasons - I am looking at the big picture. My point is - no matter how independent you feel/are - our lives are so intertwined with this other person's that it's sometimes just not that easy.

That being said, you do have to do some serious thinking about what you want. Could you take him back if he figured his stuff out? Could you trust him again? What does your employment opportunities look like? What does independence mean to you? (A good example is I might be financially independent but I moved to this area to take a job and then met him - I have NO LIFE outside of him here. Very few friends that aren't connected to my SSs friend's parents. My company is national and transient, so very few people there as well. I am completely dependent on my life with him. ) Are there things you can do to prepare for independence? What do you want to get out of therapy? (this is a GREAT step btw) What goals in your kids lives do you need to focus on as they navigate through this new normal? Do you know all about your joint finances? Gather all the account information and start building a snapshot of assets/debts. How long have you lived in your house? How much equity is in it? What's the fair market value. Do you want to stay in the house? Look at the laws in your state on divorce. If you can swing it, call and get a consultation from a family lawyer. (the more you know about the questions that I have raised, the more you will get out of that app - your situation will warrant child support/alimony...) Many more. To me, knowledge is power.

My other suggestion is to block him and the woman on facebook for a bit. It's really tempting to drag yourself down while this is going on. But IMO you need to focus on yourself right now. Which brings me to my other 2 pieces of advice that I constantly talk about. 1) Build your tribe. You need people to talk/text with and visit. This site can be one of them. 2) Self care. As women, we don't practice this enough but now it is vital that you take care of 'you' whatever that means to you. Your kids will benefit from it as well.

I also agree with Open Eyes that it's not a good idea to act too quickly. Especially right now in Covid times. Things are just weird. I know more friends in crisis right now than I ever had in my life. It's amazing. Even those who seem to have everything together are miserable or struggling in an area. I think you can prepare, think and take care of you without actually 'doing'.

None of this is easy. For me, I feel like I will be in limbo just to get to separation. It could be 6+ more months - work on the house, get through the holidays, tell the SS in 2021, have the house sold and be ready to move by the end of SSs school year. Then I have a year of separation. Meanwhile I have to watch the decisions my husband made drag down his son. I will feel guilty that his quality of life will drop a little. I already am worried about my husband buying another house in the area where my SSs school is. None of this is my doing, and yet I carry the burden. Technically it's not my problem. But really? What kind of person would I be if I didn't factor in the child I have raised? Meanwhile I'd like to go to the beach for a week and work from there so that I can get some peace for my head. Can't do it - can't spend the money. I have bigger things to worry about and I am trying to pay down as much of our debt prior to the house sale. My husband can go out and hang out with his 'friend' when SS is at his mom's but I am kind of stuck. Our people who make these decisions without factoring in the others in their lives are just selfish. I am sorry you are going through this. Keep writing. Good luck...