Okay, so you let him call the shots for a long time because you trusted him to do so. Well, he changed that dynamic because he chose to do something that was a wrong choice in terms of his being responsible for his family. What he chose to do was totally selfish and disrespectful to his family.

Did you see the movie "Moon Struck"? Again, that's a movie that touched on real challenges men and women face. The mother needed to know "why do men chase women?". So she asked different men to see what their answers were. The mother went to dinner by herself and ended up seeing a man argue and get a drink thrown at him and the young woman he was with walked out. The mother ended up sitting and having dinner with this man. This man shared with her how he has experienced this before, but WHY he chooses to date these young women. He explained how he is actually bored with his job, but once in a while he sees a young face that looks at him adoringly like he is more than he is, that he has wisdom and depth. He explains how he engages this because of how it makes him feel, but that it only lasts a short while.

That movie shows viewers how the Mother's (Olympis Dukakis) husband behaves too. He has this woman he meets for lunch and even takes her to a concert. And what it's REALLY about is his ego and need to feel important and appreciated. Yet also his way to feel younger too. And if you have seen the movie, what the mother finds out is part of this is "fearing death". That's part of mid life crisis, but also looking for some way to feel younger and appreciated and important in some way. Yes, it has to do with ego, having something missing and also fear of aging too. Yet also feeling useful too, having some value/worth. We see these movies with these poignant messages in them, yet, truth be told Julie, this is where you are in your life. This is why your husband is chasing women too, why he lost weight and got a sports car. Also why he is in this state of confusion too. Not everyone ages gracefully, some have a hard time with it, actually maybe many do overall. It's like that bus driver I talked about in one of your threads and how he suddenly one day got so sick of the day in and day out route that he just changed it and drove for miles and miles.

You say how "come to think of it, I have not been all that happy either". You have your own regrets, even thinking you should have made it a point to be more self suffient. Yet, truth be told even if you were more self suffient, it would not have changed what you are going through with your husband right now. You wonder if there was something you did wrong too. Perhaps, its what you both missed unknowingly.

You have shared briefly that your husband and his son's relationship is somewhat strained. Perhaps your husband is subconsciously jealous and he also might be expecting his son to be more like himself too. He needs to know that his son is only going to be himself and his job as a father is to just support that. And I know that it was uncomfortable for you to see your husband at your son's practice, and even your son's game today. Yet, as hard as that is, you husband should be there for your son because that's what your son needs, to know his father is there even if their relationship is strained somewhat. Bottom line Julie, is that when we get distracted by our own stuff as parents, we can miss important things and we never get a redo. And our children, even in their teens simply do not have the life experience to even begin to understand these kinds of challenges. They fear too, and they often feel they are not important enough when their parents experience these challenges.

Your husband is so caught up in his own ego and facing his own fears and disappointments, that he is missing some very important things. At least he did show up to that practice and he should be able to show up for your child's game too. Your husband has lost sight of himself YES. Yet, he needs to understand the consequences of his choices and KNOW he will never get a redo.

When my daughter was graduating from high school, several of her friends were very upset and I heard them talking to her in her room. They were finding out that their parents were divorcing but had been waiting til they graduated and their parents had told them just after they graduated. They did not know what to do with all their confused feelings, including the anger they felt. One of her peirs upon finding out his parents were not getting along literally sat his parents down and said to them that HE needs them to hang in there so he had parents until he graduated. Now, when I talked about "gossip" and how cruel it can be, YES, and it most definitely trickles down to the children who genuinely do struggle with it.

You say, "what do I say to my husband, help", well, use what I am saying here about his making choices that he will NEVER be able to get a redo and change. I do not think your husband is in love with anyone, instead it's more about his need to feel something that is missing for him. That's really part of his overall confusion, and this does happen to many men his age.