Hello Regularjoe: I'm sorry I don't think there is much in the way of advice I can offer with regard to this except, perhaps, to work through what you are experiencing with the help of a mental health therapist. (Perhaps other PC members will have advice they can offer.) However I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So I thought I would at least welcome you to Psych Central.

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
Here are links to 3 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of habit change plus links to 5 articles on the subject of finding your soulmate:
7 Steps to Changing a Bad Habit
Science Says This Is How to Break Any Bad Habit
The Golden Rule of Habit Change
8 Ways to Find Yourself Before Looking for Your Soulmate
Stop Looking for a SOULMATE and Start Looking for a LIFE PARTNER
https://psychcentral.com/lib/soulmat...ditional-love/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...-my-soul-mate/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...-relationship/