WHAT TO DO:

"Observe his behavior and learn the specific tactics he uses.

• It’s fine if you continue to react and behave as you always have. At the same time you can journal your observations about his behavior so you can get clarity. This clarity is the first step to setting boundaries.

• Read about boundaries in general to strengthen your belief that you’re allowed to set boundaries and that setting boundaries isn’t selfish. You probably have some internal work to do to see yourself as a separate person with rights.

• It can be helpful to stop sharing any personal information, feelings or reactions with him.

• Pay attention to his intention behind his words, rather than listening to the words themselves. What is he trying to accomplish?

• When you are ready to start setting boundaries, consider how you want to respond to him. If you know you would be physically safe, you can begin to respond to his tactics by labeling them. You might say “I know you are shifting the blame on to me and I won’t accept it anymore.” Expect that this will make things worse and he’ll try new tactics. He may accuse you of intentions you don’t have such as being controlling or even abusive.

• You can choose to stop conversations with him once he uses a tactic.

• You’ll need to learn to stop being drawn into his circular, confusing conversations, to stand your ground and to not defend yourself. It takes great clarity and strength to do this.

• Many women eventually find they need to set the biggest boundary of all- separation and/or divorce. That is entirely your choice and you can do this in your timing.

Most women need support from a counselor, a coach, and/or other women who’ve gone through this.

Each situation is unique and you need to learn what’s best in your marriage. Give yourself time to learn how to set boundaries."