Most people here know the abuse I've endured in my relationship so far.

In July, I faced him with a divorce, and he begged me not to. He listened to all my gripes for four hours, acknowledged the abuse, and said he would make big changes in his behaviors. He wanted me to give him a chance, so I did.

He was great for a few months or so, but then some of the abuse started to creep back in.

Mean comments here and there, and mean slights against me. Plus raised voice and some ranting and raving at me again in frustration because I was questioning him again.

Apparently he did rage at me again on a separate occasion, but I was blackout drunk, and I don't remember what happened. I had called the police. My sister told me I called the police because I was scared of him.

On top of the abuse, there have been trust issues on my part because he's been dishonest with me on several occasions.

This last weekend was a tipping point for me which made me think I need to just divorce him and give up without any couples counseling.

He openly stated to me that he was gaining pleasure from seeing me get worked up and angry over his control over the TV remote. Then he tried to tell me he was just "joking" and didn't really mean it. BS. He meant it.

That's his way of excusing himself of the behavior. "It was just a joke" and "I didn't mean it the way you took it".

Then he bought an item at Home Depot for far less than it was actually priced. It had no sticker price on it, so he took a screenshot of a far lower price and showed it to the clerk. He bought the item for $3 when it really cost $17.99. He did this deliberately and on purpose.

Yet another act of dishonesty.

Now I am operating under the belief that:

(1) he will always be abusive, no matter what -- now I see that he truly needs individual counseling, and I don't have the patience to deal with his abuse in the meantime. This will take YEARS of work on his behalf.

(2) that he is dishonest and I can never trust him, despite his own claims of being an honest person.

Now I feel I have no option or choice BUT to divorce him.

I don't want couples therapy anymore, and I don't think it will help. It could even be harmful because he now is using my calling the police, getting drunk and trying to grab his cell phone from him as evidence that I am abusive myself.

The other day I told him he is both loving and unloving towards me, and he shot back with "so are YOU!" Other than calling the police, I've been NOTHING but loving towards him the whole time we've been together. Yet he uses that night as a weapon against me to claim that I too have been abusive.

I don't want to lose my nerve. Now he's being all loving, cute and sweet and it makes it that much harder to pull the trigger.

I am waiting to get all my ducks in a row before I tell him (again) that this is over and I am divorcing him. I have a lot to figure out before I tell him this.

Please tell me I am doing the right thing... please don't let me lose my nerve.

I now see how women get stuck in abusive relationships and marriages...

when they're nice, it's easy to forgive and let go of the anger and rage, and when they're abusive, it's easy to want to leave.

I cannot keep going through this roller coaster though, and I know that if I get yet another mean comment towards me, I will feel 100% justified in divorcing him.