My therapy has been quite intense lately. (an understatement) T said that as a child I was left unintegrated. I have been feeling awful and having an extremely difficult time holding it all together. I'm okay at work but the minute I get into my car-BAM-I feel like I want to die. I went for a new evaluation with pdoc and change of anti-depressant because of constant suicidal ideation. T said that I probably was suicidal as a child. I spoke to a close friend who is a T and she said that it is a gradual release of the dissociative defense. She also said that integrating affect is extremely painful. In many ways I feel worse now than I did when I began therapy. I know that this work will make me whole but at what price?

I mean, I adore T and he is extremely supportive but this is such powerful and excruciating work. When I am in the depths of it I just keep hearing his voice say, "Miss, it's a lot but it's not too much."