That's not therapy. A cut-rate therapist with thirty cases too many on his/her workload seeing you 4 times a year is going to provide exactly 0 resolution. I daresay therapy with a good therapist would probably resolve the underlying trauma, and once THAT is addressed, much of that urge would simply fade to manageable levels without you being aware its happening.

Me, I didn't have money for all that therapy shtako. So, I did what any rational person would do. I dropped two hits of acid and went rummaging. I basically prepped myself ahead of time by specifically focusing on wanting to learn, and man, what a ride that was. It wasn't always pleasant, but I'm stronger than thought loops, and I realized things about myself that were always present; I'd just never noticed before. Being aware of that older anger and shame over situations from decades ago seemed to lessen the severity of other impulsivity around things like sex and OCD. So, there's something to be said about discharging that energy, although what I did was akin to jumping over Niagara in a barrel in a "fk it" moment of desperation. This, because I've read about psychedelic therapy for PTSD and whatnot that showed jaw-dropping promise, but whose funding was cut off as the VA became shtako in the 80s.

One on one time with someone you build trust in over a few months of weekly visits would do you wonders. Hope you can find someone soon to help you. (((F&L40)))