Quote:
Originally Posted by KBMK
It really is horrible, and hurtful. Hope that your therapist is understanding. It's normal to be unsure, but the more you focus on your own future and being good to yourself it'll come clear what is best for everyone in the situation. I know you're angry with your husband, but it really isn't even doing him any good. He shouldn't be allowed to use and abuse  |
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KBMK, it is horrible, thank you.
My therapist is very understanding, yes.
I guess the good news is this place I am in now is not new to me. I was here in July, ready to divorce him. I had a plan and I had called lawyers. When I talked to my husband about it, I announced I was divorcing him. Then he begged me to stay.
Now that I see he cannot truly change his behaviors, and now that I see this is a character flaw in him, I now know what I must do.
And yes, it's best for everyone. He cannot deal with me questioning him anymore, and I cannot deal with always having questions and doubts in my mind about what he's doing and if he's telling me the truth.
But yes, I am angry.. and that anger runs deep. I feel I have been misled in so many ways.
A condition of marriage on my part was that he never raise his voice at me again. He had before we got engaged, I put my foot down, and he promised he never would again. Then right before our wedding, he exploded on me in a rage. Then right after we married, he exploded on me repeatedly for the 1st few months of marriage. I was thinking I would have to leave him then.
And I remember when we first met, how he told me more than once what a loving and caring person he is. It raised a yellow flag for me then, and I was thinking, why does he need to TELL me this? Now I see it as manipulation and lies to get me to date him, trust him and believe in him.
What's sad to me is he truly believes these things about himself: he truly believes he's the most wonderful loving partner. And he truly believes he is honest and has the utmost integrity. He truly believes his father is a "great" father, despite the fact that he taught him to abuse women, to be racist and sexist. His father is an explosive, sexist, racist and abusive a-hole. And my husband mirrors his father.
My husband is completely deluded. I think he may be a narcissist. His ego seems to be very inflated and his view of himself is very inflated AND distorted.
Writing this out like this is very sobering.
Every morning I wake up and I am hit with a sobering reality that I must leave him. Then I hug and kiss him goodbye, as though everything is fine.