Your father was most likely transactual with you then. It's reasonable that you had been imprinted with these behavior patterns. Plus you also have some deep narcissistic injuries. With some narcissists, they tend to hide that crying child in themselves. If no one provided comfort then that would be something that would create too much vulnerablity to experience. Yet, at the same time have difficulty providing as well because there is no imprinting where that was present and sustained to tap onto.

Too much ego gets in the way, there is no true relaxation of the ego. Instead it's always hungry and often needy.