thanks for bringing this topic up and sharing your experiences and knowledge about it. it's quite and enlightening discussion to open up.

personally, i'm all in support of the use of psychedelics to help in the treatment of mental health issues, especially in regards to MDMA in the treatment of PTSD and CPTSD. i have been quite interested and have been following the official studies that MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies) has been conducting over the recent years, especially in regards to MDMA assisted psychotherapy for PTSD. the outcomes have been quite positive as it has moved into the third and final phase to achieve FDA approval. because of these promising outcomes, i decided that i wanted to give mdma a try to see in what ways it could help me therapeutically and since last year i have completed four sessions now. i'm doing these session on my own, with my husbands support and as my trusted trip sitter and without the assistance of a therapist. ironically, my ex-T is now quite interested in the healing capabilities of psychedelics himself and is seeking to becoming a psychedelic psychotherapist. but even with knowing this, i personally have no desire to have him, or any other professional for that matter, assist with my mdma journeys or with the integration work afterwards. i find my mdma guided journeys to be incredibly profound, sacred, and very personal experiences that i desire to only share with someone i deeply trust and love, and the only one i feel who is worthy of fulfilling that role is my dear husband, who knows and understands me better than anyone else.

the healing i have achieved with the help of the mdma has been absolutely amazing! it's unlike any thing else i have ever tried and i never imagined i would have come this far along in how i feel about myself and life. the gentle and euphoric quality of the mdma has provided me with the safety to go deeper into my issues than i ever thought possible, helping me gain entirely new perspectives and insights which has lead to moments of profound healing. this is something i could never fully achieve in therapy, because i could never fully experience that sense or level of safety with my ex-T.

interestingly enough, the most profound aspect of using mdma is that is allows me to experience myself as being a 'whole self'. i've always experienced myself as being fragmented and separate into different parts due to my dissociation (DID). that fragmentation has become more connected over the years as i have progressed with my healing, but there is still some level of disconnect, that i will probably always experience. when i am rolling on the mdma, i eventually reach a point where i can feel all my separate parts/alters coming together, where they actually feel very 'fluid' in the connection they are shraring during this time under the influence. there is a sense of them freely sharing thoughts, emotions, feelings and memories with absolutely no barriers, hinderence or disconnect. i believe that this quite possibly is what it must feel like to experience oneself as 'one', a whole person with no dissociated or fragmented parts. to be fused as one and not a 'multiple' . these fluid moments of wholeness are incredibly beautiful and unlike any other experience i've ever had, filled with acceptance, warmth and unconditional love for every aspect of each part/alter who make me, me. as i come down and the mdma begins to wear off, this sense of wholeness fades and i eventually feel more like my 'normal' (fragmented) self, but while still maintaining an afterglow of the profound experience.

when researching about mdma assisted therapy, i quite enjoyed reading 'Trust, Surrender, Receive' by Anne Other. also, if you have not seen the film 'Trip of Compassion', i highly recommend it. "Trip of Compassion" — The Most Compelling Movie I've Seen In The Last Year – The Blog of Author Tim Ferriss