It is the most gut wrenching thing to realise that you weren't loved or wanted by your own mother. I used to listen to the Kate Bush song Love and Anger over and over

"If you can't tell your sister
If you can't tell a priest
'Cause it's so deep you don't think that you can speak about it
To anyone
And you tell it to your heart?
Can you find it in your heart
To let go of these feelings
Like a bell to a Southerly wind?"

and tell myself "she doesn't love me" and if I had told anyone they wouldn't have believed it (so I thought) as she put on a decent show. It made me so angry and sad. When I realized that I had been convinced as a child that I shouldn't exist, so I tried to take my life when I was a teenager, and it wasn't until I found some independence that I realized how she had everyone wrapped around her finger.

She got motor neurone disease, and she came to my house to tell me that she was ill. She brought flowers and tissues. I didn't want to cry about it and I told her that I would help her, that she still had lots of life in her, and lots of days to make the most of. She told me she was glad that she was ill and didn't have to work anymore...I could tell how angry she was that she couldn't make me cry.

Even on her last days she managed to divide the family with lies so that even when I was right beside her offering as much comfort as anyone could in that situation, I was getting abuse off other family members who just chose to leave the room when she was passing away.
I don't know where her problems came from. I know her mother was cold, and she got ill when my mum was a baby, and left her and my auntie who was 2 in a care home for weeks. My mum doted on my Grandma too, even though she was cold. I don't blame her, but it chills me how it warped my mind as a child. I'm glad I got to realise how she was and wasn't kept in the dark like my brother who thinks he was a problem child, then got to be the golden child when my sister fell from grace. I was the scape goat, and I'm thankful I was pushed out rather than kept at heel.