For a bit of context...I’m a 23f in a serious relationship with a 42m. We’ve gotten into arguments over his 75 year-old widowed mother moving in with us when we buy a house in near future.

I personally do not want her to move in, as she has her own spacious 3 bedroom house. My SO wants to have her move in to take care of potential children we might have as he doesn’t trust any caretakers/outsiders. Also, he doesn’t want to leave his aging mother alone. He has also mentioned he’s open to us living close by her, buying a house for her near us or buying a large house so we each have more than enough space...but ideally he wants her living with us.

Whenever I disagree with her living with us, he says I don’t appreciate my family and he has a good healthy relationship with his parents unlike me (he uses my poor relationship with my parents as a reminder I am not “appreciative” of my family). He also brings up how his past serious relationships were ok with the idea of his mom living with them.

My concern here is because his father passed away, he ceded that parental father role to my SO so my partner now assumes the role of caretaker for his mom. I’m worried I won’t have space in his life as a wife and I don’t want my potential mother in law to live with us for many reasons, even if she is a saint, we all live in a mansion, etc.

On top of that, he wants to bring his mom on future vacations with me and even mentioned his ex invited her on their past trip together since they got along so well.

He’s back home due to COVID, living rent free, and has her cooking for him. To be fair, he does support her in every other way. He spends most evenings with her. He told me he hates city dwelling and is the happiest he’s been for a long time. When I tried to test him and ask who he’d take to an isolated island, he said he’d take his mom and dog.

Is he too enmeshed? Am I just overreacting, I know he wants his elderly woman around for as long as possible and she’s alone now with no other family members besides another son married, living in another state.

He also stated he’s willing to compromise on his mom living with us but he’s also really stubborn. In fact, he’s said his past relationships failed because he refused to compromise on his standards and he found flaws with each women, claiming they weren’t appreciative and had “complexes”. I’m really concerned about the future as I’m worried he’ll force me into a living arrangement I don’t want, especially as his mom ages and becomes more dependent. I think he’s conceited and narcissistic as he demands I should be in “awe” of him.

All advice is appreciated