A huge realization ...the moment I FELT that you are a therapist, has completely change my perspective on us. I genarally FELT you were caring, supportive, compassionate, etc etc...and then the moment that an authorization issue comes into play, your words you said" I'm still here" are now meaningless. I realize its not your fault. I truly thought that you cared, but i guess YOU ARE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, once you have to leave, no contact, no cares, noting. Only text sent was one that you would normally send in a reminder appt, damn inspirational messages for the week, sent Oct 23. At first I thought I would be okay, and Iam not. I am so numb, empty, and often dissociative. So much so that my 19 year old was trying to talk to me, which is unlike him, and I missed out on the first 5 mins and could not bare to tell him I wasn't listening or for that matter could not feel anything, while he is telling me he feels like crap and hates himself. I am pretending a lot of the time. I am fine around everyone during the day and can work, but get me in my room and I think about how or what I am wanting to say to you Nov 12. Do I continue therapy or not? I feel this is not something that I can get over. Sitting with feelings that make absolutely no sense in present time is not helpful. I know this is all old baggage. I feel it and its telling me to push you far away! You did nothing wrong, and I do care. My fault for caring. Not sure Iam processing anything. I can only allow a small amount of hurt, pain, and sadness to enter at a time, and then back to numbness and dissociation. And yet that is not helping me parent my two kids. My 13 year old has missing homework that brought down his grade to failing, and I can not deal with him telling me to get off his back about homework. So made an agreement to NOT talk about JOBS with my 19 year old and homework with the 13 year old with the expectation that he is writing down his assignments and checking them off. And talking to his own therapist.
This is how numb I am and dissociative i am. I dont want to deal with my kids issues. What a great parent, right!!?!??! Do i bother telling you all this , summarize this in a 60 min session?? I think what is the point? What is the point in even talking about anything? Just because I do not text or email I sure hope you know that means nothing...i try, but delete. I cant help but think what is the ****ing point?? Your not going to respond, and we arent going to have a lot of time to talk will have to wait another 30 days til Dec. trying not to care sucks, caring sucks, this all sucks. often want to start drinking again. might. you dont care about what i do or what this time has done. i often think that your seeing other clients and havent thought about me at all. why would you? I am only thought of when the coordinator gets back to you and its been a long time since hearing that, only because I am cc on it. yeah take my name off that.3 words sum it up for me...NUMB DISSOCATED ZOMBIE! Nov 12 ,,,not sure if will see you or not. if do what to talk about? More than likely me crying and not looking at you. and thinking close out the session.