I think you want to know if he is actually seeing someone. It seems he is worried that you might be.

I think he is doing this for attention the most, yet he probably doesn't realize it. When he comes you can break the ice by thanking him again for how he talked to your older child. You can also say that you understand that it's hard to know how to navigate that challenge but that as parents we cannot pick our children's lives and all we can do is help them be who they are.

You can also be honest with him and tell him you are concerned that this challenge that has come up with your husband distancing may cause his children to think it's their fault. You can tell him you are concerned the children will feel abandoned. You can even say you are worried because you are feeling abandoned yourself. Tell your husband that because our children learn from what we do, that they may go off or leave if they are struggling instead of talking about it with us. You can be honest with him in that this has been hard for you to navigate yourself. And your children can also see that too.

See, you are thinking you need to use emotions with your husband when he comes, "how do I act?". It's not about acting but instead finding a way to communicate despite how confused you feel. You want your children to learn this too. Right now your husband is all about himself and his needs and yet he is acting out and not sitting and talking with you. And if he is lost he should be getting help with a therapist before he does something that will hurt others. You can say to him, "we should consider how our choices might affect our children, that's our responsiblity as their parents".

You are both no longer in high school where you run when you get scared or upset. You are adults now and you both need to sit and talk things out. And when you say that you should use the term "we". Otherwise he will go on the defensive. You can slip in that as parents we need to help our children feel it's ok to be who they are, we are not here to tell them how to be to please us.

The key Julie is to say things that he can think about and not things that cause him to run away. Your husband is being imature because he is struggling to navigate this stage of his life and the challenges he is facing in his children. He needs to know that it's "ok" to not know how to navigate and that you struggle with that yourself. But, running away isn't the answer either because you both have children that need both of you especially at this stage in their lives.

When something like this happens, it's important to see the bigger picture which is what I have been trying to help you with, rather than focusing on all your emotions. Emotions don't solve problems, instead emotions tell us we need to solve a problem.