Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild Flower Dust
I've recently ended a 10+ year relationship at the age of 32. We started going to therapy to essentially decide whether to get married and start a family, or separate and search for someone new while we're still young enough.
We have had, what I suppose you'd call a "conscious uncoupling" although we dislike this term. We are both extremely heartbroken and still love each other very very much. We agonized for years on our own and in therapy about what to do, because we were overall good, but some things just didn't feel right. Issues around location, attraction/sex, anger and name calling. But we love each other and had a growth mindset, so we tried so hard to work it out, and we got better we did, but we felt like if we weren't super excited to sign up for a lifetime together then we shouldn't do it.
The world told us that marriage was indeed hard work (we knew how to do hard work, and had for years) but the "when you know you know" camp made us think that you should have more flow, a bit more ease. So we ended things. Probably for good, but hell, who knows.
For years, I've wondered whether being with the same person for your whole life AND being extremely satisfied and happy was even possible. I wonder if I do find another partner, whether in another 10 years I will feel the same way just over DIFFERENT issues?
If this is the case, was it stupid to end the last relationship if overall it was good and my partner was 100% my best friend??
What does being happily married forever depend on?
Does it depend on personality? For example the degree to which you value stability, or hate change? Even Esther Perel I have to say doesn't seem 100% stoked about her marriage...
Does it depend on what age you meet your partner, during which stage of life?
Does it depend on how Buddha like you are able to become?
I suppose I'm asking because I really waaannntt to build a family with someone and love them until the very end. I want this so that we can be one whole family and visit the grandkids together when we're old and love every minute of it! And also so that I can be a happy old lady  I just want to know whether that's realistic or not?
I don't personally have any examples of 20+ year marriages where the couple still seems IN love to the outsider. Most seem like they love each other but aren't terribly affectionate, or are affectionate but also obviously co-dependent and strained to a degree because of that.
So, what's the deal? |
Ten years was a long relationship and a significant time in both your Ives together, from the ages that you are. Also, you were probably talking about marriage and children, at the point of embarking on that or bailing ship. If you both wanted that at all or with each other, had to have been a pressing question.
The first reason you say you broke up is you felt pressure that your relationship should feel more perfect. You don’t ever say you both had any real problem with each other.
I had to look her up:
“Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist of Polish-Jewish descent who has explored the tension between the need for security and the need for freedom in human relationships”
Yes! This idea seems right on track with how you are thinking about relationships.
‘Happy and satisfied with one person your entire life’ Everybody says their relationships go through ups and downs.
What does being happily married forever depend on?
Saying you are?, having commitment, being patient and forgiving ‘being Buddha’
. I agree, it can be about strongly desiring stability or hating or fearing change.
If you are having doubts about whether you should have broken up, your ex may be too. Have a talk and see where their head is at.
