Lockdown two will start soon... i'm not really surprised, to be honest. I guess now it makes it easier to accept video sessions because the official advice is to work from home. I'm learning that easy doesn't always mean happy, but that easy can sometimes mean a break in anxiety. Sadness is better than anxiety, easier to deal with. I hope that I can see you by next spring, though I'm also learning to let go of hopes and expectations and just accept the present situation for what it is. There is comfort to be found in video sessions, I just need to become more willing to look for it. Anxiety can be blinding.

I had a covid related argument with my family. I'm actually quite glad that I didn't get to see them at all this year. Isn't it kind of messed up that I haven't missed them at all? How can someone who loves you so much invalidate you so much? They don't see me, they never have. It's sad and I feel like I hurt them when i resist, but I have to stand up for myself and i have to try and uphold my boundaries even when they don't agree with me. Even when they treat me like i'm stupid or incapable or paranoid. Someone who loves you shouldn't make you feel like this.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm stressed and anxious and feeling a bit sorry for myself. But I am glad that I have you in my life and I love you very much. I'm holding on to the fact that we will be in the same room again in the hopefully near-ish future, whilst also accepting that this whole situation is ****ing hard.