I've been going up & down. I'm stronger for a while, which feels encouraging, & I'm even happy & I make plans about things I need to do & feel enthusiastic, then unhappiness happens & I get depressed, really sad, & I can't seem to do anything, & I feel so ashamed of myself. I owe a lot of people an apology & I feel so bad. I just wish so much that I could find the right therapist for me & wouldn't need to take meds with side effects. It's ok. I'm not like this all the time. I don't need to be in a hospital. I handle it pretty good on my own. I just keep hoping.