^ I notice what I think are a lot of harsh self judgments in the post above. I also think a good therapist could help. @Breaking Dawn

Have you read Feeling Good by Burns? I have found this book more helpful (CBT) than any CBT (or other) therapist I had found in this forest irl Grrrrrrr

(edited) meds with side effects (in my case I have had additional severe allergic reactions grrr so it's not an option for me anyway aside from benzos