Last night, I got home from work and started screaming and yelling at everybody. For no reason, It's like I just snapped and lost it. Then I went into my bedroom and bawled my eyes out. And today I am depressed and very tired, I didn't sleep well last night. I am fighting the tears today and the want to cut is there almost everyday now, it was getting better and I did not cut for over a year and then bam I start cutting again. If I feel like cutting, I will basically use any tool I can find to cut open my skin and bleed.I hate this, I want to stop cutting, but when I feel like that, it is my only way of dealing with the pain that I feel. I do not want to take my meds, I start taking them then I stop cuz I get tired of being tied down to my meds and all the side effects. I have been diagnosed for bipolar, but I am thinking I have BPD due to the rapid mood changes within minutes and for some reason I feel like everyone abandons me or rejects me. I feel like no one understands my feelings, heck I don't either. It seems like my T and my Pdoc do not want to help me, I am totally feeling like a piece of crap, just f*** throw me away I am not good for anything or anybody. I have no friends and if I did all they would want to do is use me, I have a wall around me for many reasons, why should I let people in when no one cares, the wall is up because I am afraid of getting hurt by people. I have been hurt by so many people. I feel unloved, unattractive. These meds have made me gain weight which just depresses me even more. It's like the doctor gave me meds to make me feel better but I gained weight, so how can I feel better about that. I hate this disease or whatever you want to call it. I am tired of this life, these side effects and I just want to close the door to everything and never come out. Sorry that I have taken up your time reading this, but I just needed to get it out. Totally about to burst into tears, but I have to hold them back cuz I am at work. And I can not let anyone see me cry. I have so much to tell you guys, but I have trust issues at times. Sorry, is there anyone out there that know how this feels. I am in so much pain, I have panic attacks all the time. I need a new Pdoc and therapist but when you have no insurance, you are at the mercy of the state, and it takes forever to get into see the docs and then i just feel like i am a damn number. I am so sorry, for everything and to everybody for being like this.