It might not be just ONE thing, Phil... sound like some of the BPD-affected people I've known, but there seems to be a lot going on there so at this point it's probably better to deal with the symptoms instead of focusing on a diagnosis.

I'm sorry that you're never excessively happy... that must be frustrating and discouraging. I'm sorry that you have to deal with so much, especially at a tough age

Sending you positive energy,
LMo