Just had therapy. Don’t know what the **** that was all about. I relapsed yesterday and I told her but she didn’t really respond? I didn’t really give her a chance to say much. I pretty much did all the talking. I’m obviously addicted to multiple substances but at the core of that—what I’m REALLY addicted to—is chaos. When I do well for a few weeks it doesn’t feel right, it gets boring and uncomfortable. I feel undeserving of the good things like stability and the abolity to pass a drug test and scar free arms and healthy relationships. When I have those things I feel like I’m holding a trophy that truly belongs to someone else, and to me that’s not a good feeling. I remember screaming my head off as a teen and being slapped and I’d scream louder because I’d want to be slapped again like someone please take this trophy away from me.

I never know myself. There are an infinite number of mes and I can never tell who I’m supposed to be. I’m a blank canvas day to day and sometimes it helps to be this way or that way, but it’s just paint. In that reality I’m a kindhearted extroverted loving soul in that one practically a sociopath in another I’m a female Christopher Knight my personality is like clothes I change when I see fit.

I can’t stop this self destruction. I did bad things so I deserve a living hell, like drinking antifreeze it tastes like it would help but it just kills you from the inside out. Only I don’t have an inside to kill. A hollow empty shell that gets filled up with bad decisions.

I see no purpose to this life. Some days I am a role model. Some days I am an example of what NOT to do. Groups are weird because they’re just happy I show up, but I feel like the more I open up the more I’m damaging the group. I have an intense crush on a counselor at a group I used to go to. She was the first one I ever told about specifics of past sexual abuse and how it really was my fault. She always laughs at my jokes and has this bubbly personality. certainly has the biggest heart. Why can’t I find an individual therapist like that? Why can’t I find a significant other like that?
All my relationships have been **** shows. Addicts, rapists, sociopaths, people that are unable to love. People broken like me.

It snows and I don’t know why. It’s a sign certainly but the heightened senses tell me I’m going to be white knuckling it.
I know what death is like. I’ve been dead, you trip balls and then it’s nothing. Being physically dead is better than being spiritually dead.
I think I have super powers. I just don’t know how to use them for good. People don’t listen to me, although I keep telling them if you do x, y will happen because I’ve seen it in another universe. I know all, but you see I get confused.
and thats what I am. confused.