I really do...

Before I start Im really sorry if this is a bit graphic, I'll have to put the trigger icon on.

I got a bit carried away last night. All of a sudden my object didnt feel sharp enough. I pressed harder - without trying to cut. Just to make a mark, or feel something at least. But nothing. It made a mark and it faded straight away. It felt blunt all of a sudden, I couldnt feel a thing and it wasnt enough so I pressed harder and made a scratch. Then, I saw a speck of blood and I realised I cut. I knew I give in again, but I didnt think it was too bad because It was only a scratch. But then I saw the blood and suddenly I just needed to see it trickle down my arm. Then when I saw it trickling that wasnt enough either and I wanted more and just couldnt stop myself. Because I had already given into it and that I hadnt done it in so long I thought I might aswell go all the way so I just went crazy.

It was different this time though, this time it didnt feel so good. Instead of savouring the relief like I usually do, I couldnt. Another feeling seemed to overpower it, and it was guilt. I didnt feel great, I just felt the pain, the stinging of it.

I was wondering around afterwards and I just didnt know what to do, I was in such a state. I didnt want to be alone, but there was no one who I could ring. It was 3am. I was completely alone with myself and all my bad thoughts and I was absolutely terrified. I kept looking at the paracetamol (id already taken 6) and thinking 'maybe I should just finish the bottle so someone else can look after me for once.' I was really shaken up, so I ended up ringing the hospital

Selfish thoughts. Selfish, selfish thoughts. Im so sorry, that had been so hard to admit. Im selfish and I only think about myself sometimes. I really hate myself today. I couldnt get out of bed, I didnt want to, but Phil rang me and said he'd come around for an hour to comfort me after my episode so I had to clean myself up. He said it was ok, as recently he has been reading about it and gaining information, so he knows a bit more about how Im struggling with it. I felt better him being there, but the shame just wont go away now. I feel so bad on him he's been trying to help me so desperately. I can see the hurt in his eyes, and its me who is causing his pain.

But to be honest I didnt think I would last much longer anyway. 41 days had been such a struggle.

My arm is seriously %#@&#! up.

babyg xXx