I tried posting here yesterday, and I kept having problems. Guess it must have been due to the server upgrades. A few posts I made disappeared. Oh well..

Nah, you didn't offend me. LOL... I've lived this life for so long that it's a part of my persona... I'm very analytical. It's what I get paid to do, what I have to leverage to get ahead here. It was a skill or a tendency that I used to try to figure out my marriage and it totally failed on me. Someone once told me a quality or talent that is over used or over relied on becomes a drawback or a negative thing.

I agree with the porn obsession, the ex probably was severely depressed. And it affected me... I did interpret that as rejection on my side of things.

I honestly don't think I'll bounce back... if it happens, it won't be quick. This has been a power struggle in some respects between us, and I can't deal well with that. I also had to deal with a lot of this alone since a lot of my support system fell apart during this time. My mom was sick, she's pretty elderly. My older sister was wrapped in my helping my mom and her husband has health issues too. My other sister is 3,000 miles away. Friends of mine had been experiencing life threatening or life altering problems as well. It's hard too to go out and make new friends and say... "hey... I just got out of an addictive relationship...I'm trying to screw my head on right. The only thing going for me is that I have a paycheck."

I'm just not really the person I used to be... I know I'm older, more wiser, whatnot. But that spark that used to really enable me to thrive is gone. I simply don't know if I can get it back. Just the experience of going through what I did with the ex killed a lot inside of me.