Hi BethRags. One idea, which I realize is not everyone's cup of tea, would be to sit in on an open Al-Anon group meeting, or two. Yes, I know that you did not specifically label everyone you reference as an alcoholic or addict, but it sounds like some of the behaviors are quite similar. Perhaps the one friend that calls "drunk" does specifically fit the category? Believe me when I say that many people attend 12-Step programs, like AA or Al-Anon, even when substance addiction is not specifically an issue. Though such "silent/quiet visitors" don't usually talk about non-alcohol/substance issues there, they can still sometimes learn something. In AA, they say "Take what you want, and leave the rest." Common issues discussed in Al-Anon are enabling, being taken advantage of or overwhelmed by others' problems, dealing with someone who won't seek proper help/treatment, and most importantly... as a friend/family member of an addict or ill person, learning to be empowered to take care of yourself first and say "no", which is difficult to do, at times. I suppose most Al-Anon meetings are online, during the pandemic. That may be good for many people who otherwise wouldn't want to (or be able to) go in-person.

As an aside, my last remaining paternal uncle's wife is a hoarder. Like your arrangement with your husband, my uncle has his own digs. He is a horse saddle craftsman, so built an apartment over his craft shop. He lives there and not with his wife, though his digs are nearby her living place. It seems to work out fine for them. They are otherwise happily married, I think. They've been together for at least 40 years.