I think I may have finally found a therapist who can truly help me. He is VERY well trained and is VERY good at what he does. I can tell this already.

However, he told me I've had a very hard life, after detailing to him my childhood, adolescence and adulthood years. It made me SO sad and I cried as soon as we closed the session. I became full of self pity and sorrow over all that I've endured throughout my life... he told me it's too much for anyone to have to bare.. And he's right.

I cannot believe that I am even still standing and fighting my way through. I should have left this earth long ago, and sometimes I wish I would just die already so it can be over. I'm not talking about SI -- I'm just saying let's get it over already. I am sick of living this crazy life of hardship.

Then again, I've also had a lot of insanely fun life adventures -- many many many amazing adventures. So there's a flip side to all my trauma and abuse.

It's such a dichotomy: the incredibly rich and adventurous life I've led, and also a life of constant hardship, crisis and abuse.

I wish I could just focus on all the positives my life has shown me, but I cannot. Right now, all I see is the hardship and the constant battle.

That's probably my depression in action that is coloring everything negative - all seems dark and bleak and I cannot seem to escape from it.

This therapist is my lifeline for healing and progress right now. I am clinging onto therapy to help save me from a life of destruction.