I'm so sorry you are going through these things and wish you the best. I won't say I know how you feel, but I know what you and others mean about hospitals... I'm not exactly sure how many times I've been admitted, but I know it's been at least 3-4+ times, and none of them actually really considerably made a difference/helped, let alone changed anything, (which is what I desperately need) and if anything only in the bigger picture just made me feel even 'worse' due to various reasons.

And now feeling even closer to the edge than ever really, I just feel so helpless and 'powerless', because I desperately need some serious or at least consistent help, more than just seeing some therapist for an hour or two a week, but at the same time being admitted to some hospital (especially considering I'd have to hurt myself first) is not the right type of help either and if anything would only truthfully make things worse...