After years of living "whatever" life where i didnt care about family, my health, education, friends, goals, job etc I realized that i have schizophrenia even though i didnt go yet to get it checked and confirm. And its one of the issues where i dont care to do it but it affects me so bad.

Im lucky enough not to hear voices or have hallucinations. But what i have is:
- i very rarely feel anything ( few years ago my grand grand mother passed away, i didnt feel almost anything when i found out )
- i have this paranoia where i always overthink ( if i pee in public toilet i try to make it without a sound...it bothers me that someone is going to hear it. When im crossing a street without lights and i see car coming i somehow change direction for a few seconds to make it look like im not crossing the street and when he passes i come back to cross it... If i was about to open a can in subway or in a bus i would try to make it as quiet as possible. I try not to enter small stores if i dont see anyone in it. If there is customer paying for something or coming inside its a sign for me to go in. List goes on and on. Its so strange i dont even get that..
- i really have no hobbies, interest in anything

- i gave up on education due to issues with socializing and thinking disorder. Im lost in my words when i say things, sometimes i freeze, have dificculties learning overall
- i didnt see some of my family members for 15 years, i didnt contact them. It doesnt bother me..
- i didnt see dentist for 10 years. I feel there is a lot to do but i dont do anything
- my relationship failed because i was comfortable doing nothing.

-im scared to call anywhere, get things done.



I could be going on and on but the bottom line is if you guys know anyone with this disorder and if there are any chances to be normal?

The only time i feel that im myself is when im being drunk. I feel im different, more open, more myself, more loving. When im sober i really hate this person that i am. I just dont know what to expect from medications once given. I heard a lot that they dont do anything, some of them help a lot and you can get worse once you stop taking them. Im super worried that it may not help me and i dont know how im gonna react. I was suicidal in past months and my only way to have normal life are meds. If they will fail i dont know how to feel anymore.