Hi Raven. About a year and a half ago, I restarted therapy. Like you, I had major trust issues, and a fear of not wanting a repeat of some past experiences. There are some incredible therapists out there - who "get" that suicidal ideation is NOT the same as suicidal impulses, and can handle those kinds of conversations. Your story resonated with me very much. You said you weren't sure how to explain what is happening - but to someone that experiences similar things, you explained beautifully. A therapist who knows your conditions would also be able to understand, also. You asked for recommendations - so here's mine - I fully believe that dissociation, and BPD, are trauma-based issues. Finding a therapist who can provide trauma-based care could be very helpful for you, I think. It certainly worked wonders for me. Getting to the point where I could TRUST a new therapist took quite some time - but was worth the effort (and wasn't without a few bumps along the way.) Starting off slow, and building a relationship were they keys to being able to have honest, open discussions with my therapist. Constantly reminding myself that I was the one in charge of what I disclosed, and that I didn't have to say (admit) anything I didn't want to, until I felt safe enough to, helped. Learning how to tell my therapist "I don't feel ready to discuss this...or that..." helped, also. That let her know there was something to work on, but that I needed her to get me to a place where I could. Thankfully, she was capable of that. Good luck on your journey!