I woke up today after sleeping for 12 hours. I’ve been sleeping much more lately - I don’t know why. I managed to read a book for an hour today and then spent like 2 hours lying down in bed with my eyes closed. I didn't fall asleep but I'm extremely unhappy and feel like a zombie almost.

I took olanzepine before it happened.

I just want to feel better. I want to feel ok. I'm overwhelmed by everything. Sometimes I seem ok but I'm really just distracting myself. I want some sort of meaning and I have hope for great things but I don't know how to get there.

All I have is technology - It's cold outside, I have no friends.

I'm sick of being in such an unhappy state. I can't let go.

I can’t explain that my environment limits me - It’s not aesthetic and very uncomfortable - It may be because of autism symptoms.

I get very little done every day. It’s like I’m dreaming of a different life and at the same time, I have trouble starting new things - When I plan to do something, I can’t stop wanting to just relax and rest my mind instead of watching a movie, playing games, learning or doing anything that I want which requires mental effort.

It’s like the antipsychotics are sedating my mind too much. I wish I didn’t have to take medications - But maybe it has nothing to do with medications. I was this same way at age 12. Daydreaming is what relaxes my mind.

I’m much more aware now and regret not wanting to improve myself in the past - All it was was my ex step dad telling me to do chores all day every day in isolation. I’ve developed a conviction that I just don’t want to put in any effort because it didn’t get me anywhere - Although I know that it gets easier getting a little bit closer to a destination which a little different than what I imagined.

*I told my mom to read this and we had a talk - I'll be going on a vacation on the 20th which is what we need*