Sent you the summary, though not what I was expecting. i feel its so much more. Thursday, wow 30 days. and not feeling better yet now feeling worse. it will hit once our session is over. bad thing is, my stuffing my urges to drink is making it more and more likely within the next 30 days I will. Parenting still stuffing everything I want to say and do way down and biting my tongue. Partly why I am here writing because I want to say something to my son, and wont. No one to talk to. And on top of it I get these periods of paranoia. And I want to act on that and know it will damage everything. So I sit in silence. And I want to drink. I truly come out and say how things are here, and when I sign off I go about the day, work, and be with the kids as if i am not thinkng a damn thing. WOW! as i write urge to self harm. nails up and down my arms. and yet cant muster the strenght to do it. But a drink is tempting to go out and get. Only 10pm. this is not good. So when I start to feel, I guess I tend to go towards feeling, depressed. when I dont think about this all, I feel FINE. Nothing is wrong. So what is reality?? Am I depressed or fine.?? Is it just that I am dwelling on stuff that I cant control and have no say in, or is it more so just life? no idea what i am going to say or do thursday. Urge for drink is getting stronger. need to end this. its what I would tell you. and yet i feel its all still a lie. I am faking it all. why and what is the point??