I am in an abusive marriage that I aim to leave as soon as I can and as soon as I get a job and my finances in order.

In the meantime, I am working on empowering myself.

I call the domestic abuse hotline for support every other day practically. I called today and left a message to see if I can get an abuse advocate to help me plan my exit strategy. I have a good therapist now who is experienced in domestic abuse. I am reaching out to friends and family for support. And I continue to stand up for myself in the face of his abuse whenever he is demeaning, rude, controlling or insulting towards me.

Now he is in the hoovering or love bombing stage, showering me with his so-called love and affection, while I know full well that it's a manipulation and an act to keep me "hooked". I know at any time, he will say something demeaning again, or he will be controlling again, flipping the switch.

What I am trying NOT to do is to reveal that I plan to leave him. What sucks is I don't have a job, and I need one in order to afford a lawyer, etc. So I am pretending that all is fine, and I pretending to still love him. Yeah... I know it's a lie... but it's for my own self protection that I am doing this. He cannot know anything about my plan, or else he will retaliate -- and I believe he would.

I am also trying to observe his behavior from an objective standpoint now. I am detaching myself more and more emotionally from him each day and each week that passes.

I see it as very sad and pathetic that he has to insult, demean and control me in order to feel good about himself. I see his love as poison... I see him as poison.

His gift of fresh flowers on Sunday after insulting me twice on Sat was BS. I don't even see these gestures as sweet anymore. Just pure manipulation. Just like the tears and flowers and apologies that occur after an abuser hits you. Yeah.... right. Like I believe it for one minute.

I have 15 text screenshots saved of me calling him out on his abusive behaviors - in case I ever need them as proof to anyone.

I've reached out to a few friends in our shared social circle to let them know what's really going on. I trust the few people I've told, but I want people on my side in case of a smear campaign once I leave him.

I am doing anything and everything possible to strengthen and empower myself so that when I am ready to leave him, I leave him from a position of strength.