I am very sorry AZ!! It's extremely traumatic when we go along for years thinking we know another person and can love and trust that person and are suddenly exposed to an entire different side to the person we never knew existed.

I can see you have a lot of anger and at times rage which is more outrage about the entire situation itself. I have experienced that with my older sister and the more that was revealed the worse the reality really was. Sometimes this new side you did not know existed is simply something you cannot ignore and even if you want to figure out how to save that good side that you loved and trusted, the bad is just so awful that the only choice is to walk away completely. Yet, there is also a deep grieving like an actual death to the person that existed in your mind that you thought was safe to love.

I know for myself I assumed that I would have an older sister friendship relationship that would continue after my parent's passed away, instead I ended up experiencing a side of my sister that was so horrible that it deeply traumatized me repeatedly.

I believe you when you say that you wanted to have a relationship and family you had not had yourself. I believe you thought that's what you had too. I honestly can't blame you for how hard this reality has hit you. Who could know something like this?? It would shock anyone. It's understandable that you can't be intimate and that even the thought of it upsets you deeply.

The other huge challenge in this picture is what does one do for the children involved? This is going to be confusing and hard for them too.