I'm glad we have this place, because this is definitely the safest, most non-judgmental place to talk about virtually anything without judgement, at least that's what I've perceived here. Thanks for being supportive and a great community. Oh and I apologize in advance to any person of color who may be reading this and is bothered by it. I hope it gives you some insight to understand what goes on in the head of some white people. Actually, I have a feeling that black women may deal with the same issue I have, perhaps? (slight spoiler alert!)

I still have trepidation about broaching the topic, so I hope everyone's as gentle as I would expect. By and large, I'm very not-racist, though I know by the newer definitions coming out of the woke movement, they would disagree, but I'm going with the conventional definition. I think a lot of what we think of as racism actually has a lot to do with cultural differences, that's why a lot of "non-racists" like and love a lot of people of other races, people they're familiar with, have many friends from many ethic backgrounds, but then have problems with large swaths of other people of that ethnic group; though there are evolutionary aspects to it too, where we have a defense mechanism built in to protect ourselves from unknown, unfamiliar people and things.

Anyway, I didn't used to have this problem, in fact the second woman I ever dated was black, very black, and a wonderful, amazing woman. In fact if I hadn't already signed up to join the military I probably would have wound up with her long term; but she didn't want to follow me into that life. I remember when were dating, there was a magazine article about the mixing of races, they had a collage of images demonstrating how all races would eventually blend together and it's something she and I celebrated, we were excited about it.

Many years went by, I was older, the youthful innocence and acceptance waned and I was still single, I had (and still have) a hard time meeting women and keeping a relationship going for very long. I live in a university town and I work in the campus area, so I started noticing a lot of very attractive white women walking clearly as part of a couple with a black man, I saw it every day and it started to bother me. It bothered me, and I know there are some boundary issues and irrationality here (a lot of our motives come from irrational and emotional places), but it bothered me that she would choose to be with him instead of me (yes I know, she may have never been attracted to me personally), but the kicker was that I would think about the economics of it all. To me there was a clear imbalance in how many white women dated black men, versus how many white men who I saw with women of color, any color or race other than white, and so there was an issue for me of competition for the same desired type of woman. And I know that when you have a dislike of something like that, you notice it more, there's a tunnel vision, a fixation on it, but I tried to notice white men dating women of color, but I tried to notice it as much as I could, in fact when I saw a white guy with a woman of color, I'd celebrate it in my head "You go, boy!" thinking that it balanced things out and took the competitive pressure off and well, love is love, so I was happy about that too (and yes, I know "love is love" for the white woman with the black man, but still, I feel like I'm getting left out in the cold.)

Oh yeah, I think the factor that started to turn my discomfort from dislike to hate and anger was that I was starting to see women on the dating personals online, who I was attracted to and they would write in their profile: "I only date black men." or "Once you go black, you don't go back." etc. Which just pours a bag of salt on the wound and maybe stabs it a few more times. It's the absolutely slam-the-door rejection. Actually I've seen once or twice another type, that made me angry as well, about circumcision!! LOL My race and what my parents had done to me when I was a baby aren't things I can change at all, so it's kind of maddening.

So, by this point, I really hate it. This morning I was having breakfast at a restaurant with my Dad and an interracial couple was seated directly behind him, so I had to keep seeing them. That's really what made me think that I have to deal with this. I know the more you focus on something, the more you have the emotion, the more intense it tends to become. But I realize that it's nothing but negative energy that isn't good for my mental health, I know that it's an inevitability, I can't stop it, it's not going to go away, so I have to learn to live with it, to accept it and find confidence that there are enough women that I'm attracted to out there for me to find love.

Oh and I've tried to raise this difficulty of mine elsewhere in the past and I received no sympathy, in fact I was jeered, people told me to "just date women of color"... well I've dated women of color, I think some are very attractive, but I've learned about myself that no woman gives me the feeling of complete attraction like a white woman does, I think it just has to do with childhood imprinting, what triggers oxytocin release, etc.

So anyway, I hope that I'm in a place where I can trust where I can find non-judgmental consideration and support for me with this problem, unwanted "advice" related to examples I've mentioned, particularly because I know it's a very real problem and I want to get over it. I have some good ideas about what I need to do, but I thought I'd come here for support and maybe some insight. Thank you.