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chaotic13 said:
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Sunrise said:
now T is telling me to get angry and cuss out my H

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Do you think your T might be trying to get you to not only say what you are feeling but also to express it?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">No, actually, just the opposite. I told him I don't feel that way but he said do it anyway--the cussing, the telling H off, etc. So I think I am just supposed to kind of fake it and say this stuff ("leave me alone!" and "screw you!" etc.) and then I think T hopes the feeling will be liberated and felt in response to my uttering these words. I think he believes I really feel this stuff somewhere inside, and who knows, he could be right. I am somehow just not normal and don't anger in response to events that would make most other people angry. But maybe it is all buried deep inside.

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And then even go a step farther and demand that your H stop whatever he is doing to anger you?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I don't feel a need to do that. He isn't really angering me. He is making me very anxious. I do try to handle the conversations as best I can.

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how could she not have heard my say that I was angry.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Did you ask her that?

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Do you think when people are told to punch a pillow or practice screaming, that it is helpful in learning to express anger?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think it does help some people. Early in my therapy, my T tried to get me to do a pillow type thing. I dutifully did what he told me to. It did nothing for me. It just seemed dumb and fake. Later he told me that method doesn't work for me. Instead I did a homework assignment (one of the few he's ever given) where I listed all the times in my life that someone had made me angry. And next to each, I had to list how I would have liked the situation to come out instead. This latter part gets me to identify my needs, because being angry is about not getting your needs met. It was a good exercise, but not quite the same as the pillow.

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Did you and your T work on this uncoupling? It seems like in some cases it's a stimulus-response kind of conditioning. Can you just undo connections after 20 years?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">LOL, when my husband and I first began uncoupling therapy last summer, I was really apprehensive because to me it sounded like some sort of behavioral conditioning! It's not. We did 8 straight weeks of uncoupling therapy and since then we've gone back now and again. It's all part of the process. T also helps me individually, but today was the first time he mentioned "uncoupling" in an individual psychotherapy session. We are trying to undo the connections to some extent. It is tough going and takes a long time. And there will always be some connection--after all, we had children together and will continue to co-parent. I have already done a lot of uncoupling. It's painful but yeah, that's divorce. Uncoupling includes grieving and more, plus apparently what my T is trying to get me to do with engaging the fight response of the trauma reaction. Each person would need different things. My H is uncoupling too, in his own way, but he doesn't need to do the trauma work that I need to.