I to self medicated for years on pain killers i know how you feel. Now im on meds. and they are working I wouldnt go back .But at the time if it wasnt for the pain killers I would have killed my self. life was just that painful it was the only time i had peace in my head was when i was high .getting off them was very very hard I couldnt stand being me but with time the meds . start working and then you can adjust them to fit .that the trick just dont take what is given to you work with your doctor to adjust them so you feel the way you wont . You can have peace without painkillers its just takes more work to get .