I've been wanting to write something but wasn't real sure were to put it. Every quiz I take says I got something, but I guess depression is the most familiar to me. Maybe even comforting , sometimes, in some demented way. For along time I thought I knew why I was depressed. I spent decades playing a role, not being myself. Always alone, like operating my life from inside myself, never reacting or speaking naturally, always planned, calculated, making sure I said what was expected, never just a natural expression from myself. The few times I risked reaching out for help, I got my hand slapped. My life felt like I was strapped into the back seat of a car that had no driver and was Rolling backwards down a San Francisco hill. And i knew that when the car finnally stopped, somehow i would get blamed for the damage. But ive come to grips with all that, i feel like im ok with things, but somehow i still experiance debilitating sadness, just don't understand. I did the depression quiz and was in the high end of things. I was surprised. Oh, did I mention I have basically no support, no relationships that I feel free to discus this with anyone? Yeah, that too. I'm not really looking for answers just wanted to write this out. I think it helps me deal with my insanity.