I'm sorry you are suffering from such despair. (I know something about that since I've been there multiple times.) Here are links to 3 articles, from PC's archives, that talk about feeling suicidal & how to survive suicidal thoughts. Hopefully they can be of some help:

Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot

Suicidal? What Van Gogh's Life Can Teach You

How to Survive Suicidal Thoughts

Please take care...